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melatonin dreamkiller

I swear I had words to tell you. Lies to feed you. But, truthfully, I’ve forgotten them all. I’ve lost my thoughts, and my words because you, you amaze me. There’s these unspoken truths between us that make this all so delicate and polite. 
april 9th, 2007

-- friends only. comment to be added. --

Can't stop worrying about everything.
Everything I'm not facing is eating me inside out.
And I can't stop eating.
I hate myself lately.
Sad, cynical, stereotypical.
Sarcastic, judgmental, pathetic.
Feeling down today. Not quite sure why.
I guess I expected more from being here.
And I haven't changed at all.
I'm not looking forward to leaving in a month and a half.
Because I'm not good enough yet.
Not skinny enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not awesome enough.
Not fun enough to hang out with.
I still have no clue what I'm doing with my life.
I feel like I'm just wasting time.
I hate my life.
I feel like a stupid bitch all the time.
I still don't understand why people want to hang out with me.

And after thinking all of this, I know I have to stop putting myself down, but it's such a habit.
I get lost in ruts in my mind, hatred thinking running deep.
These thoughts have to go.
But then, I remember how stifling the bell jar is and how far away from everyone I am,
And after that, I don't care anymore.



Falling. Frick Park.

In a fog today. Hazy blue eyes.
Went out last night to a friend's apartment.
We chilled for a while.
Went to a pub, but no drinks for me.
My stomach's been upset lately.
And the thoughts in my head are upsetting.
Worried about money. Again.
Why do I spend so much?
It's like I can't save any of it!
I get so frustrated with myself.
Why can't I be a better person.
Frick Park Market is on repeat right now.
That song is so epic.
So jealous of it. I wish I could make music & rap like that.
My secret dream of mine is to be a rapper.
I eat too much and I hate myself.
My hatred is coming back.
I'm a bitch to everyone and no one likes me.
It's only so they don't get too close.
I can't stand to trust anyone.
I'm going to need to get over all of this to become a better person.
That's what I want to do, but it's hard.
I'm scared.
Of everything.
I feel safe over in Italy away from my "normal" life.
I can do whatever the fuck I want here.
I could do whatever at home too but judgments there are too much.
I'm always judged for what I do.
Condemned to be fat & ugly & bitchy & hated.
Sleep sounds good right now.
I don't want to have dinner with my roommates.
I'm in a funk.
Fuck this shit.
I hate where my life is right now.
No direction, no goals.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
I just want my ED to keep me safe.
Safe and locked far away from the world.
I doubt I'll ever belong.
But it's all I wish for.

Blah Blah Blah
Why am I so whiny?


Jan. 25th, 2011

It's almost been a year.
So much has changed.
Mostly for the better.
But it's times like these
in which I'm overtaken by a monster.
I am kind of hungry,
but I don't want to eat.
I'm scared to eat.
I weigh too much and the world
will become off balance if I do eat.
It's frightening.
I wish this feeling would go away.
But it's in the pit of my stomach,
beckoning me towards it again.
Like that little voice in my head
which says that things will be okay,
if at least I follow what it says,
don't eat, don't call attention
to yourself, be quiet, disappear.
And it's all so intoxicating.
I can't ever get away from it.

I have eaten so much today. But I'm still so hungry. It won't stop. WHY won't it stop??
Accidentally slept through my class today. Oh well. I went to the store and bought some magazines and a new dress that was on sale!
My books came in the mail today and that made me happy too :) So I've kind of wasted today by reading all of these new things, haha.
I think I should do homework, but I'm kind of tired, and it seems so much peaceful to just sleep.
I wish I didn't have all of these expectations. I'm behind in schoolwork, but I don't know how to catch up.
Okay, well I guess I do know how to catch up, but I don't have the energy to get it all done. And I just don't care? That's a dangerous statement.
I just want to be done with university and read books and write and live a quiet sort of life. But on the other hand, I'd really like to do acting and maybe do television and movies. I think it's completely possible if I try hard enough, right?
I'm just sick of this traditional university. What do you all think if I went to acting school instead? Would that help me being happier? I think it might. I could read plays and stories and act them out and become characters. Sounds so fascinating.
I've been listening to Oasis for the afternoon/night. I'm ready for summer to be here now.
I'm pretty busy the rest of the week, class, exchange w/a fraternity, going to see the midnight premiere of alice in wonderland, class, coffee with a friend, workshop, sleep, philanthropy event and then another workshop, dyeing my hair, and possibly going to visit some new friends. Sunday, I shall finally get to rest! I like being busy. And I like going to class. I like learning. But I don't like homework. I need to get over this to pass my classes though! Gahh, stupid stupid me.
Enough of my rambling.

The bell jar is stifling.

That is all.

I wish I knew what to live for.

And I'm like, "hot damn, let me make me you my boo"
'Cause you can shake it, shake it, shake it
Yeah, you know what to do
You're a hot mess; I'm lovin' it, hell yes

Yesterday ended the day with about 750 calories eaten.
Woke up this morning to 141.5, wtf, mate?
Had breakfast, which included: cereal and toast, and weighed again at 140.0
Gahh, I hate when the scale does this.
Cleaned the house a bit, did dishes, vacuumed, watched 27 dresses and blow.
Parents came home, I ate 3 bbq wings and 1 slice of pizza. YUCK.
Took a shower, and then had some hot cocoa.
Not hungry anymore. Probably won't eat any more today, yay.
I'm just really thirsty. Water, crystal light, tea, coffee =YUM.

My sleep schedule lately has been crazy;
Yesterday: woke up at 2pm, went to bed at 11pm.
Today: woke up at noon-thirty! WTH?! Silly body needing so much sleep.
I woke up in a better mood than yesterday, so I suppose that's good.
I'm feeling better than I have in days, weeks.
I'm feeling optimistic about this next semester.
I think I'm almost ready.
Let's take on the world? I def hope so :D


We've lost romance;

I've eaten quite a lot today :(
Approx. 660 calories, yuck.
Crystal light, water, cereal, some bread, 3 cookies, and frozen veggies.
I suppose it could be worse. Maybe.
I think if I don't eat the rest of the day, I could weigh less tomorrow.
So I think water, hot cocoa, and tea for the rest of the day. Maybe an apple. Maybe.

I've been off school for three weeks so far.
And what I now know and realize:
I have a slight case of depression; I'm miserable, sad, I feel worthless and fat. I'm falling into my ED a lot. I'm terribly out of shape. I have low self-esteem.
I don't have many friends, but lots of acquaintances, I don't let people get close at all, I always give up on guys before anything really happens
I'm terrified of living, I don't want to live anymore, I don't see any point in living, I'm not afraid of death

And I realize that this all could be fixed in time. I don't want to live, but I know I can if I tried. I have a teensy bit of hope that life can get better and I might be okay one day. It's only a tiny grain of hope, but I still have it. So that's why I'm not going to kill myself or anything.

But, I'm going to let myself get worse in my ED. I want to lose weight and starving makes me feel better. It makes everything better. 
My hunger is my friend and it helps keep the world at bay. It helps me feel calm and collected. It helps me live. As twisted as that is, I can live for hunger. I don't think I'd ever tell anyone in real life before I've lost the weight I want to lose (72/84 is ugw). It's not like they'd believe I have an ED before I look it, people are stupid.

And with all these things I've realized, I've also come to realize that I'm not going to wake up one day and feel better. There's no magic pill or advice that can help. I have to discover life for myself. I have to figure out why I want to live. Which I don't have yet, but I'm still holding on because someday I might be able to answer that. Life is hard. But it's all we have. And right now, surviving is one of the only things on my agenda to do. That, and university, a job, and some friends. All possible. Just have to stay positive.


Jan. 10th, 2010

Gained a lb this morning :(
I can attribute this to my mini-binge last night.
I've been up for 3 hours. So tired but getting sick of sleep.
I'm so bored at my house.
I hate it here so much.
I want to leave and never come back.
I need a new life. I need a new me.

Goals for today (as if it even matters):
-Sort clothes
-Blog post
-1 topic for self realization project
-Follow eating plan

Goals for tomorrow:
-Weigh less
-Finish everything I didn't do today.


Down 3 lbs from yesterday, woot, haha.
Even thought I ate too much last night :(
Unfortunately I had brekky that my parents made me, blehh :(
[(1 piece of french toast, and an omelet)] Kill me now, yuck.
Water and tea the rest of the day and [(soup)] for dinner.

Goals for today:
-Finish 3 topics for self-realization project
-Write 2 short stories
-Sort all my clothes (get rid of old clothes, etc)
-Finish 3 applications
Write 1 blog post