I swear I had words to tell you. Lies to feed you. But, truthfully, I’ve forgotten them all. I’ve lost my thoughts, and my words because you, you amaze me. There’s these unspoken truths between us that make this all so delicate and polite. 
april 9th, 2007

-- friends only. comment to be added. --

I've been thinking lately. A LOT.

& I think I have finally figured it out.
I now know, and am starting to understand
my deepest, darkest, secret.
I’m cradling it, poking it, holding, examining,
And waiting to smash it the first chance I get.
Just waiting for it to come out & bite me.
Gosh, wouldn’t that be exciting.
I feel like I'm just learning about it,
when really, it's been sitting there, stalking me,
underneath everything, silent, staring,
just waiting to see how long it took me to figure it out
Everything I've ever done is affected by this.

I remember when I wrote,
"I am not alone when I go to sleep at night.
My demons also follow."

I wrote this completely unknowing of what it really was.

My eating disorders is only one part of this.
This bigger picture.
It's insane how massive it is though. (the picture, not my ED)

But now, everything makes so much more sense.
Everything's crystal to me.

I now realize that I do have a mental disorder (it's not just my ED).
But, according to both of my psychology classes,
has not been diagnosed yet.
Like, medically recognized as a mental disorder.
But I know I am not alone with this.

I am a complete and utter fuck-up.
My brain is fucked up.
I realize, understand, and now accept this.
This is me.

It goes along with the fact that I feel amazing & utterly useless at the same time.
I feel bipolar. But, not that I HAVE bipolar, but AM bipolar with my thinking.
It's a fucked up mesh of reality and fiction that I live in daily.
I am never completely in either dimension, but a boiling mixture of both.

I'll try to explain it.

I feel that there is an intense pressure on/within me to be successful.
To do more than anyone has ever done.
To be the best & to be amazing.

There is also another side that completely and overwhelmingly HATES with a PASSION, who I am. 

Now, these two sides are obviously against each other.
& this is where my life comes in.
I live this both, every single day of my life, every hour, every minute, every second.
This tension, this turmoil, this torture.
& I believe that I deserve it.

Over the last 18 years, I have gained achievements, gotten good grades, been a fucking GOOD GIRL,
Trying to become this amazing person I’m supposed to be.
Go to college, have a life, do sports, think well, become some sort of an adult.

Within the last two months, I have basically done everything in my power to destroy everything I’ve ever worked for.
My life is crumbling around me.
& part of me couldn’t be happier.

I haven’t done my homework (going to fail classes-first time ever).
I went to a rave & did drugs (for the first time!)
The only drug I’ve ever done is ecstasy, it was my first & certainly won’t be my last.
When I tell people this, they give me a look & say, “Why did you do ECSTASY as your first drug? You could’ve died…”
…Yeah, I know. That’s kind of the point.

I don’t care about much anymore.
My eating disorder is only a distraction.
It’s the only thing I am in complete control of.
My grades are subject to my teacher’s interpretations.
& everything else, it’s just out there for everyone to see.

But this, my eating disorder, is my secret.
Well, one of them, but one of the best kept & hidden.
Besides the ultimate one.
That I absolutely hate myself but still expect the world out of me.

It’s so much easier to concern myself about how little I can eat
& how much I weigh than it is to concern myself with my friends,
Or family, or school.

I am selfish & an attention whore.
This gives me all the attention I need. It keeps me busy.
It’s the one thing completely & solely focused on me.

Also, it keeps everything else at bay.
It helps me be alone, like I feel like I deserve.
It’s a buffer between the world and me.
So I can fall deeper into this black abyss & completely destroy myself.
The only way I’ll be happy is if I am a fiasco. A debacle.

I remember watching Elizabethtown, and thinking, what a wonderful thing to become, an utter fiasco.
I’ve loved that word ever since.
I want to be a fiasco.
It looks like I am closer than ever.
I’m so close to the edge. I’m practically drowning.
It’s all great fun.

The only reason why I have an eating disorder is not to become skinny,
It’s to feel alive.
If I were normal, and such a good little girl, I’d be so FUCKING BORED.
If I ate normally, I’d be so bored. I’d feel so numb.
But, with food, I can just torture myself more,
Which I feel like I deserve.
 
If I had a normal life like everyone else, I would be BORED.
So, I subconsciously choose ways to entertain myself.
I set out on a path to do the ultimate.
Destroy myself completely and miserably.
It would be far too easy to just kill myself.
It wouldn’t even be any fun.
Just simple.
And also, the only person I want to hurt is myself.
So why not just drag it out longer?
That’s what I deserve, right?
Exactly.

This is the reason why everything in my life is the way it is.
The reason why:
I’ve never had a boyfriend
I’ve never done anything with a boy
I’ve never really had a date
I went to prom ALONE
I did drugs
I will continue to do drugs
I don’t hang out with friends often
I’ve been failing classes since last year
I don’t clean my room
I don’t eat
I binge
I push people away
I get attached to some people, only to hurt myself when they don’t want me
I screw up everything I’ve ever wanted, or had

I binge and I don’t eat, only to spite myself.
On one hand, I hate myself so much that I know I don’t deserve food.
On the other, I hate myself so much that I know I don’t deserve to be skinny & pretty either.

This secret. This ultimate.
It’s the reason why my life is crumbling around me.
& that I couldn’t be happier.

My only purpose in life is to achieve & become the most successful person ever.
& Then to burn that person to the ground.
Think Britney Spears on a grander scale.

Happy endings are never interesting, only boring.
Everyone LOVES drama.
Everyone LOVES when the happy ending comes crashing down.
Having a happy ending is safe & boring.
People really just want to be entertained.
& That’s what I’m really here for.

To be entertainment.

Enjoy the show darlings, it’s free.

<33

Existing Status of the Society
Weight this morning: 137/136.5/136/137
Goal: 100lbs, BMI: 17.2
Stats: 137lbs, BMI: 23.4
Difference: 37 lbs, 6.2 BMI points
Plan: No food until below 134 lbs,
then 700 max,
biking for 1 hr, etc

Finished:
100 situps (40 regular, 20 on each side, 20 reverse)
Calories taken:
0
Eaten:
Nothing
Drink:
Water

The summer sends its love to you, the same as every year,

I want to go shopping for fabrics and sew my own damn clothes!